Red Hot Scooter Mama

Some woman are blessed with slender feet. Not me. Mine are as wide as the Mississippi, and have never sported an arch as lovely and delicate as the one in St. Louis.

Doctor’s recommendation? Scary, serious foot surgery. Approximate recovery time: four months . . . in a cast. Enter, the grocery store scooter. A most marvelous invention for those needing to shop without placing their ailing, pre-surgery limb on a store’s floor.

I’m the red hot scooter mama. Oooh, just stroking those cool handles and giving them a twist causes my blood to run hot. In my mind, the scooter has morphed into a race car, and the engine’s revving up big time.

Reality intrudes on fantasy when I putter down a grocery aisle and find myself facing staring at children, who aren’t always understanding of life’s circumstances.

I confess I’m not a very kid-oriented person, so if you think your child can do no wrong, well, you won’t want to read any further, because you’ll get mad. See, I’ve found the scooter deals effectively with irritating little children wandering about the grocery store.

After all, who hasn’t come across the child racing obnoxiously down the grocery aisles? You stop abruptly, maybe run over your own foot in the process, or barely manage to avoid being knocked over. The parent is conspicuously absent.

Let’s face it—children simply aren’t always darlings or angels. They stare. Some are rude. Many refuse to move out of the way, no matter how politely asked. Few say “excuse me” or “thank you” or utilize any such societal nicety. Some will stick out a little pink tongue at you and refuse to budge.

There’s always that group of little children who defy every disciplinary effort of the parent. These kids sometimes stick wiggling fingers up their noses, stare defiantly and then mouth obscenities. Yes, from the mouths of babes.

Sitting on my scooter, I’ve discovered one way to deal with immoveable little people is to remember their actions are similar to those of a cow.

What, a cow you say? Oh, yeah. In fact, there are some amazing similarities between recalcitrant children and cows.

Picture this. You’re driving down a section of country road adjacent to a cow pasture. You slow because some ingenious cows, despite non-stop fence-mending by their owners, have figured out yet another way to escape onto the road.

You stop. Honk. No use. The cows stand, chew and don’t even look up. Frustrated, you ease forward and almost bump them before they finally move.

Same thing with little children. Most parents pull their hair out trying to get their kids to mind their manners, but some remain stubbornly unteachable. They stand staring at my scooter, steadfastly chewing on lower lips, just like those darn cows. I’ve learned to ease forward to help remind the darlin’s to step aside.

So kids, watch out! Tonight, the red hot scooter mama is going grocery shopping and she’ll be ready to help those small, immoveable children step aside.