Thursday, January 29, 2009

Red Hot Scooter Mama

Some woman are blessed with slender feet. Not me. Mine are as wide as the Mississippi, and have never sported an arch as lovely and delicate as the one in St. Louis.

Doctor’s recommendation? Scary, serious foot surgery. Approximate recovery time: four months . . . in a cast. Enter, the grocery store scooter. A most marvelous invention for those needing to shop without placing their ailing, pre-surgery limb on a store’s floor.

I’m the red hot scooter mama. Oooh, just stroking those cool handles and giving them a twist causes my blood to run hot. In my mind, the scooter has morphed into a race car, and the engine’s revving up big time.

Reality intrudes on fantasy when I putter down a grocery aisle and find myself facing staring at children, who aren’t always understanding of life’s circumstances.

I confess I’m not a very kid-oriented person, so if you think your child can do no wrong, well, you won’t want to read any further, because you’ll get mad. See, I’ve found the scooter deals effectively with irritating little children wandering about the grocery store.

After all, who hasn’t come across the child racing obnoxiously down the grocery aisles? You stop abruptly, maybe run over your own foot in the process, or barely manage to avoid being knocked over. The parent is conspicuously absent.

Let’s face it—children simply aren’t always darlings or angels. They stare. Some are rude. Many refuse to move out of the way, no matter how politely asked. Few say “excuse me” or “thank you” or utilize any such societal nicety. Some will stick out a little pink tongue at you and refuse to budge.

There’s always that group of little children who defy every disciplinary effort of the parent. These kids sometimes stick wiggling fingers up their noses, stare defiantly and then mouth obscenities. Yes, from the mouths of babes.

Sitting on my scooter, I’ve discovered one way to deal with immoveable little people is to remember their actions are similar to those of a cow.

What, a cow you say? Oh, yeah. In fact, there are some amazing similarities between recalcitrant children and cows.

Picture this. You’re driving down a section of country road adjacent to a cow pasture. You slow because some ingenious cows, despite non-stop fence-mending by their owners, have figured out yet another way to escape onto the road.

You stop. Honk. No use. The cows stand, chew and don’t even look up. Frustrated, you ease forward and almost bump them before they finally move.

Same thing with little children. Most parents pull their hair out trying to get their kids to mind their manners, but some remain stubbornly unteachable. They stand staring at my scooter, steadfastly chewing on lower lips, just like those darn cows. I’ve learned to ease forward to help remind the darlin’s to step aside.

So kids, watch out! Tonight, the red hot scooter mama is going grocery shopping and she’ll be ready to help those small, immoveable children step aside.


storylady said...

Nicely written. I feel your It's like playing dodge ball,only with little people.
Somtimes I'll be walking along searching for that one item that is difficult to find, not fully aware of where I am walking. I turn the corner, and some little person runs smack dab into me, muttering something like excuse me or sorry, or saying nothing at all, and continues on their way, usually never slowing down. Been there.
Rode in one of those before. I took an elderly person to the store, and when we got to his car, I offered to return the liitle cart to the store. In my opinion they don't go fast enough. : )

Beverly Stowe McClure said...

Go, scooter mama. Beware, little kids. I must try one of those scooter things.


Cheryl said...

Oh my, this is too funny. Well not funny that kids have become so rude nowadays that if my mother were alive she would blush at some of the things they say, but the thought of you prodding some kid into moving just tickles my funny bone. You go girl!


Anonymous said...

Nothing makes me feel like an old fogey more than when I get ticked at kids and teenagers for not showing proper manners. It's not that hard, kids, and it'll likely get you out of trouble someday!

Anonymous said...

I draw the stares & comments of children. The funniest (I'm warped) is "She has a hole in her neck." With my ventilator hose attached to my neck and puttering in my wheelchair, kids stop and stare or continue walking and run into something.
My wheel chair weighs 350lbs before I get in it. So the little buggers are in danger of getting smooshed.
Surprising to me, is the adult's refusal to look at me is far more hurtful & unsettling (I never knew how to react to disabled people).
Parents are always grabbing their children and telling them to stop staring.
So react to them however you see fit. Try not to mow them down like the pins in a bowling alley no matter how tempting. =+)

J. Aday Kennedy

Deb Hockenberry said...

From on hot scooter mama to another,
You know kids aren't always the problem in grocery stores or elsewhere. I was at the grocery store & there were 2 or 3 adults standing in the middle of the aisle (with their carts just left anywhere) that wouldn't move. I tried honking my horn---no luck. I wound up saying excuse me at least 3 times before I could get past & then you should have heard their comments! If I'd repeat it I know my mother woud've put soap in my mouth. :-) They took up the whole aisle just to chat. Deb :-)

L. Diane Wolfe said...

Would it be wrong if I told you to go get 'em?

L. Diane Wolfe

None said...

Open that throttle and Go, Go, Go Scooter Mama! I can relate to those experiences, but not always is it little kids that can be so rude. Adults can be also. They stand in the way, won't move their shopping carts and even if you say "Excuse me," they give you this look of annoyance or completely ignore you all together. Take aim and go.

Jane Kennedy Sutton said...

Sorry to hear about your surgery. Sounds painful. The story you tell, however, is funny. Will there be a Red Hot Mama book in the future?

Jane Kennedy Sutton

elysabeth said...

How funny. I agree those scooters don't go fast enough because I so would like to run some of the adults and brats over at no cost - totally rude and ungiving people - but you know what they say rude begets rude or the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Those brat children have parents who were just as bratty and never were disciplined, so run the parents over - lol - the kids will move when you run their parents over - they'll see you are serious - go Scooter Mama - E :)

Morgan Mandel said...

For some reason grocery stores bring out the worse in kids. Maybe it's all the candy within reach that they can't have.

Morgan Mandel

Connie Arnold said...

It's good that you can find and share humor through your experiences, Katie! It is a shame that sometimes children, as well as adults, can be so thoughtless.

L. Diane Wolfe said...

BTW - who are you using to print bookmarks? The 5000 I ordered for Overcoming Obstacles was only $150 from

L. Diane Wolfe

elysabeth said...

L Diane - that's a great price. I may look into that myself but I was doing something different with mine but may go to covers now - E :)

Ann Parker said...

I'd love to see you post a photo of you on that scooter! sounds awesome! (and fun, in its own way...)

Vivian Zabel said...

How funny, but how sad. I know what you mean about kids, but adults will run over a person in a scooter and never say, "Sorry."

Yet, my husband can go in a store (he's permanently in a power chair), and people bend over backwards to help him.

Go figure.

Ruth said...

Haha so great! I suppose you won't be able to run over them anymore. Love you!